Day 55 of agony
6:18 AM Saturday, January 24, 2009
now i realised that i've been a fool. i think all this while since the very beginning, i'm the only one loving and committing to it instead of vice-versa. i ain't the guy with looks at all (basically not even a look fit to be her friend morever her guy). i don't ride
big bikes or drive
sports car like guys she know who's willing to fetch her out. i'm just pure naive for doing so much things that is real stupid. lost my friends as i refuses to heed their advice and only believe in myself and what i did is worthwhile. definitely i believe my love one and what she did for me is true as well.
but now, everything changes. perhaps all this shouldn't have happened right from the beginning. i did so much more than i ever did for anyone and giving you all my love and the effort i put in, but it's not being felt by you at all or should i say before. in other words, think my presence make those days of yours even much miserable, trying so hard to feel my love but still couldn't feel it.
why must i do so much for you? why did i fetch you all the times to and fro, meeting you everyday without fail, bringing you to places you wanna go, just the two of us going for late supper or desserts during the weekends when you're still not tired, fetching you to school on alternate weeks, attending lectures with you early in the morning, waiting for you alone while you're having lab/tutorials, rushing down once i knocked off even if it's a 4 - 5am thingy just to see you, watching movies you like, washing your clothes when you're at my place, cooking for you. now i know why i did all this. can't blame you cause you didn't ask me to do it and is i myself asking for it and doing it on my own accord. from your view, all this that i'm doing is what supposingly a boyfriend should do.
it's been almost two months. anyone know how miserable i'm still feeling? friends does but she doesn't. people where got time bother such things whereby countless of dates all the times. what am i? just a piece of shit in her life! even how fuck up she causes my life to be right now, i've never regret being with her even if she were to confess that she'd never loved me before or even saying hurtful words to me.
the slits on my wrist, the burn marks on my arm with her name on it, the torturement i did to myself, the sleeps i sacrifices, the effort i made trying to salvage it, the danger i risked to myself trying to numb myself from thinking even how risky my life would be.
i'm really happy this period of time with this group of new friends. but somehow i still couldn't move on. cny is approaching but i'm not at all excited over it. i don't even have the mood and clothes are not even bought yet. hais!
she's living life to it fullest while i'm living life in the darkest
i'm a fool, a real real fool indeed. despite it's already more than once, yet i'm still the same. Pure stupidity!
i've gotta try my very best. it's just too much for me to bear with no one knows how i'm feeling deep within. the feeling is just so terrible!
